Eater's Remorse

Do any of you - dear readers - ever experience eater's remorse? 4+ years ago, when my disordered eating was in full swing, I obsessed over (and often regretted) everything I ate after breakfast. I still experience eaters remorse time-to-time, but nothing like I used to. I also do not obsess over my weight or strive to be a size 00. But now I'm experiencing that familiar uncomfortable feeling. I am currently living with my boyfriend in Southern Westchester - just a 30 min. train ride to Grand Central Station. I am in rehearsals for a professional children's theatre show, and since we only had a week of rehearsal before opening we have been rehearsing 4 to 5 hours every day. Today - New Years Day - we had rehearsal from 6:30-10:30. Because it is New Years Day, the train was running on a Sunday schedule, with trains only once an hour, and after 10:30pm even more infrequent.

Rehearsal is at the theatre 5 blocks away from Grand Central. If I had thought to check the return schedule I would have asked the Director if I could leave a couple minutes early so that I could make the 10:32pm train. I did not think of that today, so though rehearsal ended at 10:30, and I got to Grand Central at 10:35, I was stuck waiting for the train - not departing until 11:45!! What did I do with my extra time? Did I use it to go over my lines or blocking, think about my character and her arc in the play, write in my journal and work on my memoir? No! I did not. Instead - I walked into Hudson News, the only overpriced vendor opened in Grand Central at that time,bought a 3 servings bag of Burger King flame broiled potato chips, and proceeded to complete the entire bag before my 11:45 even pulled out of Grand Central. I feel disgusting.

Why did I do this - why did I eat 450 calories of preservative laden packaged food when I wasn't even hungry?

1) First of all, I have been craving steak cut french fries and/or cheese sticks for the past four days, and since I have not been able to attend an establishment that could help me satisfy this craving I have been trying to find "the next best thing." Lesson learned: there is no "next best thing." If you have an intense craving (especially for something junky) lasting longer then 24 hours, then satisfy it. Even if you have to wait a week until it gets satisfied, know that nothing else will do, so don't even try.

2) I was bored, frustrated, and after a tedious 4-hour rehearsal, I didn't feel like doing any of the above productive things to fill the hour of time I had to wait for the train in Grand Central.
Lesson learned: eating will not solve your problems.

3) Finally, even though I feel absolutely disgusting, I will try not to be too hard on myself, because (what I've learned from past experience) the worse I make myself feel, the more likely I will be to partake in emotional (and thus, remorseful) eating next time the opportunity presents itself.

It is important to dissect situations I regret, so that I can learn from it and not repeat my mistakes. Pray for me.