Eventful Month

I am currently in a children's theatre show in NYC encompassing the month of January. It has proved to be rewarding because I like the show/script/my part, most of my fellow actors in the cast, plus it is extremely heartwarming to perform for adorably enthusiastic children. However, this is the type of project I regretted the moment I accepted the role, and also the type of project I swore I would never do again. Why? Because for a mere $100 stipend, I (along with the rest of the cast) am expected to perform a show EVERY SINGLE DAY - 7 DAYS A WEEK for the month of January. On Saturdays and Sundays we peform in the afternoon, and Monday - Friday we peform in the morning for schools or other groups.

When first starting out in the NYC theatre world about 4 years ago, I was happy to accept any role offered to me without complaints. I had a good attitude and I wanted to learn. Over time, however, I became more experienced and more ambitious with my acting career (understandably). And as a result of seeing actors (myself included) get their time wasted and be taken advantage of, I started to become more choosy with my theatre and film projects. And also set certain guidelines for myself, such as: 1)if there is a heavy time committment it should pay, 2)The people involved should be talented and know what they are doing.

So....I finally made piece with the inconsiderate performance schedule. But I feel with this project when I make peace with one aspect of it, other frustrations arise to test my waning patience. First, we were asked to set up and break down the set each and every day. This was something not outlined in the casting notice. The director/producer asked us actors to do this on opening day - what other choice do we have? We have to do it now! Furthermore, there is an ex-con (in the cast) with a heavy Staten Island accent, where every other word out of his mouth is a curse (did I mention this is a CHILDREN'S SHOW), who can't act for shit, and has never been in a theatre production before. As if that wasn't enough, the elevator in this supposedly handicapped accessible space has been broken for a week now, so every day we have to carry a disabled cast member up and down 5 flights of stairs. What will happen next - will we have to climb the facade of the building in order to perform this show?

Eater's Remorse

Do any of you - dear readers - ever experience eater's remorse? 4+ years ago, when my disordered eating was in full swing, I obsessed over (and often regretted) everything I ate after breakfast. I still experience eaters remorse time-to-time, but nothing like I used to. I also do not obsess over my weight or strive to be a size 00. But now I'm experiencing that familiar uncomfortable feeling. I am currently living with my boyfriend in Southern Westchester - just a 30 min. train ride to Grand Central Station. I am in rehearsals for a professional children's theatre show, and since we only had a week of rehearsal before opening we have been rehearsing 4 to 5 hours every day. Today - New Years Day - we had rehearsal from 6:30-10:30. Because it is New Years Day, the train was running on a Sunday schedule, with trains only once an hour, and after 10:30pm even more infrequent.

Rehearsal is at the theatre 5 blocks away from Grand Central. If I had thought to check the return schedule I would have asked the Director if I could leave a couple minutes early so that I could make the 10:32pm train. I did not think of that today, so though rehearsal ended at 10:30, and I got to Grand Central at 10:35, I was stuck waiting for the train - not departing until 11:45!! What did I do with my extra time? Did I use it to go over my lines or blocking, think about my character and her arc in the play, write in my journal and work on my memoir? No! I did not. Instead - I walked into Hudson News, the only overpriced vendor opened in Grand Central at that time,bought a 3 servings bag of Burger King flame broiled potato chips, and proceeded to complete the entire bag before my 11:45 even pulled out of Grand Central. I feel disgusting.

Why did I do this - why did I eat 450 calories of preservative laden packaged food when I wasn't even hungry?

1) First of all, I have been craving steak cut french fries and/or cheese sticks for the past four days, and since I have not been able to attend an establishment that could help me satisfy this craving I have been trying to find "the next best thing." Lesson learned: there is no "next best thing." If you have an intense craving (especially for something junky) lasting longer then 24 hours, then satisfy it. Even if you have to wait a week until it gets satisfied, know that nothing else will do, so don't even try.

2) I was bored, frustrated, and after a tedious 4-hour rehearsal, I didn't feel like doing any of the above productive things to fill the hour of time I had to wait for the train in Grand Central.
Lesson learned: eating will not solve your problems.

3) Finally, even though I feel absolutely disgusting, I will try not to be too hard on myself, because (what I've learned from past experience) the worse I make myself feel, the more likely I will be to partake in emotional (and thus, remorseful) eating next time the opportunity presents itself.

It is important to dissect situations I regret, so that I can learn from it and not repeat my mistakes. Pray for me.